finding courage in this modern society that is structured to cause millennial in debt.

My mental state doesn't really do too well with social media, which is why I have to stay away from IG again. I've observed that the space in my mind is gearing towards mindfulness and less stimulated with different imageries and ideas. After paying my dues of a speeding ticket of $300 - I haven't found the courage to purchase cotton watercolor papers. But I've learned a huge lesson - driving 10 miles over the speed limit only gives others and myself anxieties. The society is structured in a way that many young people are struggling to be financially independent in every means to live in this society without debt.

To have started my root as an artist in 2016, I could say I have tried and love every moment of it. As the end of 2019 is approaching - I find it so difficult to regain my energy after a long day of service or work and find time to paint. I can honestly say that November 26 was my first day off to run errands and do personal chores since 1 month ago. For 7 days a week, I have been either working or servicing.

Then I question my painting path - is this just a phase to pause and not be focused on? Or is this a test to see if I can truly claim myself to be an artist? Identity as an artist is currently being hung by a thread. Can I find the courage to pursue it as I have done before? I truly took a chance on placing myself as non-existent on social media. The society is structured in a way that you must have a social media account to be "normal" in. Especially when you have an "identity" and want to be successful, it is a MUST to have social media accounts, otherwise, you'd just fail.

I am currently going through a phase of financial insecurity of purchasing more art paper to paint and making the time to paint because I can only do so much to survive. Hopefully, this phase can pull out of itself soon.

Phoenix Che 2020